As I have previously blogged before, I’m a big fan of the website Simple Marriage, so I subscribe to their email newsletter. Last night I read the article The Biggest Marriage Killer which focuses on the concept of a “fused marriage”. The main point was the more fused your marriage was, the less likely you and your spouse would have interesting, and fulfilling lives apart from each other. Here is an excert from the article:
When you first met your spouse, ideally you were both living interesting and fulfilling lives. These lives were an important part of what made you attractive to each other. But often, as your relationship progresses with each other, you let go of what used to be important and fulfilling to you for the sake of the relationship.
When this happens it creates two problems.
You are each no longer the person the other was originally attracted to.
As each of you give up important things in your life, you often expect the other person to fill the void. This is a heavy burden to place on any one person. It creates neediness and dependency, as well as resentment and boredom.
One of the biggest killers of passion in marriage is all the meaningless time spouses spend together. And it is actually this type of tensionless coexistence that defines most marriages today.
You need to live an interesting, fulfilling life beyond your intimate relationship.
It got me thinking about my marriage. I’m 6 months into a fulfilling and happy marriage, as Dr. B says, “This is good stuff” 🙂 Our marriage is great! We do practically everything together – and we both thoroughly enjoy it. I don’t feel the need to go out and do something apart from my husband just to “create” a separate, meaningful life. Perhaps it’s because not only is my marriage “new” (6 months), but so is our entire relationship (1.5 years). Should I fear marriage “fusion” in the next 3 ,5 or 7 years? Does spending a lot of time together equal a dull marriage?
Dr. B and I enjoy doing a multitude of things together, we have common interests, friends, etc, etc…. We also have very separate interests and hobbies that we continue to enjoy. For example I love shopping, and he doesn’t 🙂 I guess I’m wondering how something so good, can be so bad? Is fusion a marriage killer or builder?
Thoughts, comments, or questions? What’s your take on the article?
By the way…Check out Dr. B’s latest blog post, How to Deal with a Bad Boss
- Michele Weiner-Davis: The Biggest Divorce “Don’t” of All (huffingtonpost.com)
- Healthy Marriage Tips Series (vamortgagecenter.com)