Fusion…Marriage Killer or Marriage Builder?

6 Dec

As I have previously blogged before, I’m a big fan of the website Simple Marriage, so I  subscribe to their email newsletter.  Last night I read the article The Biggest Marriage Killer which focuses on the concept of a “fused marriage”. The main point was the more fused your marriage was, the less likely you and your spouse would have interesting, and fulfilling lives apart from each other. Here is an excert from the article:

When you first met your spouse, ideally you were both living interesting and fulfilling lives. These lives were an important part of what made you attractive to each other. But often, as your relationship progresses with each other, you let go of what used to be important and fulfilling to you for the sake of the relationship.

When this happens it creates two problems.

You are each no longer the person the other was originally attracted to.
As each of you give up important things in your life, you often expect the other person to fill the void. This is a heavy burden to place on any one person. It creates neediness and dependency, as well as resentment and boredom.
One of the biggest killers of passion in marriage is all the meaningless time spouses spend together. And it is actually this type of tensionless coexistence that defines most marriages today.

You need to live an interesting, fulfilling life beyond your intimate relationship.

It got me thinking about my marriage.  I’m 6 months into a fulfilling and happy marriage, as Dr. B says, “This is good stuff” 🙂  Our marriage is great!  We do practically everything together – and we both thoroughly enjoy it.  I don’t feel the need to go out and do something apart from my husband just to “create” a separate, meaningful life.  Perhaps it’s because not only is my marriage “new” (6 months), but so is our entire relationship (1.5 years).  Should I fear marriage “fusion” in the next 3 ,5 or  7 years?  Does spending a lot of time together equal a dull marriage?

Dr. B and I enjoy doing a multitude of things together, we have common interests, friends, etc, etc…. We also have very separate interests and hobbies that we continue to enjoy.  For example I love shopping, and he doesn’t 🙂  I guess I’m wondering how something so good, can be so bad?  Is fusion a marriage killer or builder?

Thoughts, comments, or questions?  What’s your take on the article?

By the way…Check out Dr. B’s latest blog post, How to Deal with a Bad Boss

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5 Responses to “Fusion…Marriage Killer or Marriage Builder?”

  1. Cindy December 6, 2010 at 9:31 am #

    You need to live an interesting, fulfilling life beyond your intimate relationship.

    That’s some seriously good advice. Almost two years into marriage, Matt and I are facing this right now. It’s hard because he’s been on the same path since we’ve known each other and I’m starting to explore some new ones. It’s difficult for him to embrace the changes that are happening. I try to include him but he’s not interested and I’m not sure why.

    But these are just stumbling stones, and every marriage faces them. As long as we face them, we can work them out!

    We also moved, which is incredibly stressful for a relationship. Settling into our new life together is tough! We spend a lot of time at home and it’s difficult not to spend meaningless time together when you spend that much time together!

    • Natasha Williams December 6, 2010 at 1:59 pm #

      Maybe he just takes longer to go down his paths, but eventually he will get there 🙂 I think were the opposite….we don’t spend a lot of time at home, so I think we have less meaningless time together.

  2. NancyB December 6, 2010 at 2:36 pm #

    Because you are doing things together that you both enjoy, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Its not like he’s dragging you to X, or you’re making him take you to Y. You have a unique blessing of a relationship and I say if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

    • Natasha Williams December 6, 2010 at 8:36 pm #

      If I was 25 and just getting my feet wet, then I would definitely heed that advice, but as it is I’m 36 and my feet are dry 🙂

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  1. My Sustainable Marriage « Natasha the Newlywed - January 4, 2011

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